December 31, 2024
9:47 pm

I wrap myself in a sonic blanket of warmth,
paired with a book—
as ever, my steadfast sanctuary and exit.
I hover between an unknowable future 
and a lugubrious past. Three hours behind home,
my mind already ahead while my body remains 
stuck in the unyielding grip
of a shared history I no longer recognize. 
My heart is diffused across thousands of miles 
and many different time zones.
Heartsickness makes corporeality 
impossibly fluid and difficult to grasp—
Perhaps it also renders the person 
in the body difficult to understand too.
It’s funny how you dream of things as a child and 
the flame of possibility is so magnificent and bright 
because you haven’t yet learned
life’s habit of quashing optimism into its barest embers.
And in adulthood, you’re desperate to reconnect 
with that promised light…
In truth, you’re often sadly desperate full stop.
Needing to survive, wanting to live—
Wanting what you cannot reconcile.
In a gasp, tired like a whimper, 
I settle into music and turn the page to a new year.
Daunted by experience and buoyed by hope,
waiting to see what the next page holds.